I'm Ready for My New Heart!

I am as sure as I've ever been, right now here today, at what, 4:28 in the afternoon on a cold yucky day in the middle of December 2014, that I am ready for a new heart.

This waiting, now some 110 days or so, is getting kind of old.  And while fortunately I am not in any real pain, I am pretty limited in what I can do. At least physically...and that's the frustrating part.

1 or 2 flights of stairs, or the equivalent, and I'm done.  Nothing left in the tank.  And it's getting worse...not better.  That stinks.  But it is what it is, and I can live with it.

I don't really have much say in the matter.

But a key word there was...'live',  I like that word.  : )

And I am well aware too, that while I am not on deaths' doorstep, not by any stretch of the imagination, I am at least meandering up the sidewalk, heck I've even peeked in the window a time or two over the years.

I know too that I no longer have the luxury of having all the time in the world.   The next several months will shape the rest of my life...or if I even get to keep having a life.

I hate saying stuff like that, cause I know people I care about will read what I write here now..people that I know and love, and that know and love me...that want me to stick around...need me to stick around.

But acknowledgement, and more importantly acceptance, is key.

A first step if you will, in embracing the very real notion, of the change that is inevitable, and will more than likely occur sooner...rather than later.

And this change will be huge.  Monumental.  Life changing.

But believe me when say I want that change...I genuinely want my life to go on as loooong as possible.

Shout it from the roof tops...I want to live Clarence, I want to live!

I have every intention of growing into an old man..wrinkly and grey and longing for the next Matlock episode...but just need one little thing...an awesome, beautiful, wonderful, perfectly functioning new-to-me heart.

I love life, and people, and nature, and technology, and sports, and food, and laughter, and romance, and so, so so, sooo much more.

Heck, I even love me.  I like what I see in the mirror, and am proud and humbled at what I have been able to do with a broken down ticker for all these 45+ years now.

But I am so much more proud and humbled, a trillion times so, at the chance, the mere opportunity, of having the energy to FINALLY take my BODY where my MIND wants to go.

And that's never been more true than it is today.  I can't emphasize that enough.

Look, I know transplant carries some not insignificant risk.  Trust me, I know all the statistics..and I respect that.  But I don't dwell on it.
That doesn't do me, or anyone else around me for that matter, any good.


But doing nothing, not going through with this journey, means I will almost certainly die of heart disease.

Well forget that noise.

I want to live.  That's the bottom line isn't it folks.  Can't make it any simpler than that.

If the phone rings in the next 10 minutes telling me to come to the hospital, I'm there...with bells on.  

Hell yeah.

Giddy Up.

Let's Go!

We've been told what to expect from when we get THE CALL to when we get the final green light, maybe a few hours at least, that the donor heart is definitely a go, is an emotionally intense, roller coaster ride of a life time to say the least.

There will be plenty of time for lots of hugs and kisses and tears a plenty I am sure, and knowing me the way I do,  I will probably tell more silly one liners and bad puns goofy sayings than I ever have in my life...right up until they put me under.

And that instant, right then and there, is gonna be the happiest time in my life...so far.

That's just my mindset right now.  This is gonna be a GREAT thing.

So I get THE CALL, then its just up to whatever fate the universe has in store for me.  And I'm willing to put my life in the hands of doctors, nurses, surgeons and literally hundreds of people that will make it possible for me to have that new heart...that new start.   All the kind words and thoughts and prayers and good vibes....all focused on that one moment in time, and the next few hours as I sleep, and the world waits, for my me and my new heart.

What a feeling...what a thought...wow.    Just. Plain. Wow.

It's weird, I just have this feeling, deep down in my gut, in my soul, that everything is gonna be all right.  I think about it every day...

I'll get the perfect heart.

A flawless, text book transplant.

The recovery...no big whoop.  

Its gonna be an awesome, awesome, AWESOME day for me.

It'll be the first...FIRST day of a NEW heart, and a NEW start.

But, isn't there always a but...and can I being brutally honest here.  It's gonna be an absolutely crap day for my donor, and his or her loved ones.  I think about that...a lot..someone I'll never know, really, but owe the rest of my life to...how weird is that?

And I think about their family and friends too..hard not to.  How hard that will be for them, to make that decision to donate, at such an incredibly difficult time...

Ugggh.  

That right there, is the hardest part for me.

Anybody that knows me knows that I am one of the good guys of the world.  Really genuinely nice to just about everyone I meet, and really hate to see bad things happen to good people.   And I would and will donate my organs when my time comes...I made that choice for myself a long time ago.

But I will be forever grateful that someone else made that choice for me...

Cause that's what is gonna take for me to get a second chance.

My thoughts are always gonna be with the donor in some ways, and my mind is not 100% wrapped around that yet...and I think that's OK, for now   It will be someday. Certainly by the time I am ready to meet my donor's friends and family.

I just want them all to  to know I will take great care of 'my' new heart.

I promise, with all that I am, that I will lead a life that everyone involved can and would be proud of. Not only for that fateful day..but in the days and weeks and months and years to follow.

For as long as I live...for as long as I live on...with "our" heart.